I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
