Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
