Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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