there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
