a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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