After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
my poor anus
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
