The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
