I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
