too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
