i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
