just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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