I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
