NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
