I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
