Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
