oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
