Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
