FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Less talking, more tequila
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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