just survived the first fart of the relationship.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
