smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
