I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
