tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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