My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
