is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
