I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
