I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
