seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
