I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
