Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You're earring is so big in my mouth
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
