Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
