tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
