when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
