Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
