my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
