I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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