Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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