It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
