i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
