Is it normal to miss your booty call?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
