This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
