my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
