I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
