There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
