Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
