We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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