I'm so fucking centered right now
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Randomize
