just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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