i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
