Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
