if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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