i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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